BOY MANDALA

by Dougas

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Recorded 2014-2015 when I spent too much time in a dark room, certain that 'laser emo' could be the next big thing.

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released January 18, 2016

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Dougas Brooklyn, New York

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Track Name: WWIFLI
it was cold as it could be
as i fought the urge to stay in bed
trapped in my dreams of the beach
my nails clawed deep into the post,
i couldn't dig them out of there
i started to bleed from the mouth
because i hadn't flossed my teeth in a while
i bled as i left my house
and took the train out of town

i rode with a heavy backpack on my chest
a fist around the steel handhold
fixated on a buzzing noise, it must’ve come from the train
but by now it had become part of my life

the chattering passengers
like feet tiring in the mud
every time longer
and each time deeper
rose and sunk into mechanical hums
the feeling quietly sunk into my bones
i couldn't help but think it was something sinister
i couldn't hear anything else at all

i want to shut down when i feel like it
i want to wake up when i feel like it
i want to turn off every single alarm
lie in bed and feel the sun on my arms

bedsores from sitting still
eyes sore from poisoned skies
i showed up at her door late, but she reminded me
of something that she told me once
a cruel joke played upon itself
something like til death do us apart

i watched her tongue
she talked aloud
it seemed that she was
just making sounds

when she held me my skin sagged
i began to slip from that empty bag
Track Name: Anna's Camera
sometimes I dream that the country
will fall apart, glass on the streets
from broken windows

ruinin’ the concrete
and we’ll run,
to your summer house
and live on frozen meat and acid

and we’ll follow the winding trails
sit at the broken television sets left in the woods
question whether everyone is real
cus when I was young the only friends I had
were in my imagination

like the last time we were there
and all the pictures disappeared
from anna’s camera

and we’ll heat up your mother’s bathroom
surrounded by her many mirrors
grinning in a haze of smoke and steam,
because our short lives are little more than
smoke and mirrors anyway

like the last time we were there
and all the pictures disappeared
from Anna’s Camera

it’s just a brief escape from helplessness
i wonder if it’s simply selfish
recklessly using up this old spent body
my muscles can no longer keep up with me
i could slip and fall without
turning my head about
raising my arms to brace my fall
or protect myself at all

i’m not sure that I can sustain my mind
my comfy linear sense of time
I keep finding myself drawn back to my
happy place
oh that ageless space
surrounded by perfect water
and drifting there
Track Name: Earth Rolling
just hold me down
i’ve got my head against the sand
breathing with heat
the air heavy on me
while that giant living thing screams
and crawls in place
trapped in curved space
just to keep the earth rolling

lie here with me
when the waves come down
quartz stuck in your teeth,
caked in your scalp
i felt it myself

i’m banishing my reason
with a sunblock stick
looking for omens in sandwich crumbs
to find something
of god inside of them
Track Name: Unfinished x3
what if i hadn't
deleted your number from my phone
every time i'd pass your name
my fingers would shake
i'd picture you picking up this time
and running over to see me

because meeting you was like realizing an old dream that i'd forgotten

i would break
i'd give in
Track Name: All You're Good For
why bother with memories
when i could sit here crushed against the bed,
singing sweetly to adderall angels
hanging til the chapter’s read

dad said don't think just hit the books
that's all you’re good for anyway
that’s what you came here or paid for anyway
easy way to forget what she said

yet i can't help but wonder
if i could make myself a bit better
trace the whole thing from where it began
nameless summers after hours,
in backyard thrones, dead end places
our footsteps lingering in those empty roads
Track Name: Japanese Violets
i sat on the lawn chair
drunk and avoiding company
because it was so dark that night,
i didn’t notice when you slipped into the spot
next to mine without a sound, i liked that

you turned and asked me if i felt numb
because it was clear that you did yourself,
i nodded though i wasn’t sure
when it comes to love I usually never lie
but you seemed cold and distant, i liked that

i imagined that there was a chance
you could fall for me
but eventually i’d realize

like my old Japanese violets,
even love couldn’t hold your pieces together

and you would sink into a deeper sadness,
so that one day the girl I knew would be gone
and I’d know for certain that nothing lasts